Greatest Mystery in All of Sports

Over the course of the summer, we’ve explored the deep unknowns of the baseball world. We’ve gone through a crash course of the national pastime’s peculiar lexicon and baffling rituals. We’ve uncovered the truths about Mendoza lines, cans of corn, golden sombreros, ducks on ponds, Texas Leaguers, Uncle Charlies, Sweet Carolines and Sweet Neil Diamonds, Big Pumas, Big Papis, Bob Barkers, trade deadlines, Turk Wendell’s unusual teeth-brushing habits, and everything in between.

And just think about all the other knowledge that was pushed out of your brain in order to house the limitless information this blog introduced to you. I can’t even think about that... because I just blew my own mind.

But with all of those myths revealed, there is still one great mystery of sport that boggles the mind. One head-scratching, mind-numbing practice that goes beyond comprehension. One single, greatest mystery in all of sports.

Why do teammates celebrate by slapping each other on the butt?

Seriously, this is the most confusing spectacle in all of sports. What about making a great play or winning a game makes one person want to violently thrust their hand into the butt of another person? And can you imagine what the first, ever recipient of the butt-slap felt when he got the pat? And how did it catch on after that to become a common, everyday happenstance in sports?

In the interest of full disclosure, I, too, am guilty of the infamous butt-slap. Being that I played high school basketball and soccer, I received my fair share. I also gave out my fair share. In fact, let me share an awkward story with you about me and the butt-slap:

Around the age of 14 (the age at which the butt-slap becomes acceptable), I played for a traveling AAU basketball team. Earlier on the season, I was on the receiving end of my first butt-slap, and it quickly became a phenomenon amongst the team. All of the sudden it was okay to start whacking people on the rear end as hard as you could in order to show that you approved of their play. It took me a while to ease into the new fad, as I was a bit of a late bloomer, but by season’s end, I was giving the swift pat just like the rest of the guys.

And then one day it happened.

I made the error of giving the “slap” to a teammate who was bending over to tie his shoe.

Now, I can’t really explain why that’s not a cool thing to do, but if you picture it in your head, I think it will make more sense. Something’s just not right about it. So, Zach, my teammate, turned to me and tried to laugh off the unacceptable act by saying, “getting a little carried away with those butt-slaps, huh, Jonathan?” His words stung like an incredibly hurtful bee. Obviously, I have never really recovered.

But back to the point: why do we do it?

To answer this question, I asked a few of the Nashville Sounds players about their feelings on the subject, and after a few crazy looks, I got some insight.

Chris Narveson went with the logistical answer. “You can’t give a high-five to somebody if they’re not looking,” Narveson says. “So, the butt slap works in those situations.”

I asked Sam Narron if my bent-over-butt-slap violated the rules. “Well, there’s a line you can cross,” Narron says. “The bent-over slap is used more for humor. It’s firm and funny. I’d say it’s more of a ‘hurtful’ slap.” After I finished laughing out loud, Narron continued: “You can’t do the slap-and-squeeze. And there’s definitely no slaps in the shower,” Narron says.

It seems as though most of the players didn’t see any problem with the butt-slap and were totally comfortable with it. Then, after a tireless search, I finally found a player who shared my confusion. And his name is Chris Woodward.

“Slapping a guy on the back or the head, that’s fine,” Woodward says. “But slapping a guy on the butt, (pause), that’s just awkward.”

But I think Erasmo Ramirez said it best when he pondered the question and then came back at me with this response: “I can’t think of a single reason why we do that,” Ramirez said.

Thank you, Erasmo.

But since this is the greatest mystery in all of sports, I can’t just give up without finding an answer. So, after racking my brain, questioning Sounds players, and doing some deep soul-searching, I’ve finally come up with one. That’s right, I’ve finally reached a conclusion about why this all got started and why it continues today. I have finally solved this unsolvable mystery.

Logistically, Narveson is right. Sometimes a teammate isn’t looking and you can’t give a high-five, so you hit them somewhere else. But why the butt? Well, the closeness of teammates can be explained by how low their congratulatory pats go on the body. If two teammates don’t share a very close bond, they probably slap each other on the back or head. As teammates become closer, the pat goes lower. When a teammate is completely comfortable with the other, they slap each other on the butt, much like a father would do with his son or a cowboy with his horse.

A pat of encouragement from a close friend in an area that shows the tight bond between the two.

...yeah, alright, that’s just stupid. The butt-slap doesn’t make any sense, and I think it should be outlawed on the grounds that no one even knows why we do it or how it got started. And I was not getting carried away with my butt-slaps, Zach! I was just trying to tell you that you played a good game! You ruined my life!